Tonight my heart is breaking…

Tomorrow I become a full time working mummy…

My little man is weaning and it seems that he is not getting enough milk from me. I have always satisfied him but tonight for the first time he needed a top up with the bottle wheich his Daddy gave him. For the first time ever I wasn’t the one to fix his problems and make him feel better. I knew this day would be coming very soon but i didn’t want it to be the night when I am very emotional about how our lives are going to change, the night before I go back to work – full time.

I am not sure my family is ready for this change, I wanted the house to be spotless, but with a toddler it is impossible to have any room spotless. It truly is like trying to brush your teeth while trying to eat oreos when trying to clean with a toddler in the house. I wanted my dining chairs painted; thats not done, I wanted the study finished; that’s not done, I wanted to be up to date with ironing; that’s not done and the list goes on.

Master Menzies has been in daycare for a couple of days a week for the last two months, he is happy there and doing well. But in my mind, I knew that while I wasn’t working I could go and pick him up at any time if I missed his little face and needed a cuddle. I can’t do that when I am working. Being a teacher is demanding, I am anxious about how I am going to balance my home/work life. My husband works long and hard and I know the demands on his time are going to increase. Are we going to be ok?

I have had a lump in my throat for hours now and I don’t want to go to bed because when I wake up, I’ll have to get us ready for daycare and work. My little man is 14 months old and I have been there for everything, when he held his head up for the first time, his first smile, first laugh, the first time he rolled, the first time he sat up, the first steps… It breaks my heart that someone else is going to be the first to see these things when he is in care. I know he will be well looked after, but I am his mummy and I want to look after him.

So with the lump in my throat getting bigger and the tears welling in my eyes, I am going to get ready for bed, knowing that when I wake up I will be a full time working mummy and someone else will be caring for my baby while i provide for my family financially. Everything will be ok, because I am a mummy and I will make it work.