Returning to work

Tonight my heart is breaking…

Tomorrow I become a full time working mummy…

My little man is weaning and it seems that he is not getting enough milk from me. I have always satisfied him but tonight for the first time he needed a top up with the bottle wheich his Daddy gave him. For the first time ever I wasn’t the one to fix his problems and make him feel better. I knew this day would be coming very soon but i didn’t want it to be the night when I am very emotional about how our lives are going to change, the night before I go back to work – full time.

I am not sure my family is ready for this change, I wanted the house to be spotless, but with a toddler it is impossible to have any room spotless. It truly is like trying to brush your teeth while trying to eat oreos when trying to clean with a toddler in the house. I wanted my dining chairs painted; thats not done, I wanted the study finished; that’s not done, I wanted to be up to date with ironing; that’s not done and the list goes on.

Master Menzies has been in daycare for a couple of days a week for the last two months, he is happy there and doing well. But in my mind, I knew that while I wasn’t working I could go and pick him up at any time if I missed his little face and needed a cuddle. I can’t do that when I am working. Being a teacher is demanding, I am anxious about how I am going to balance my home/work life. My husband works long and hard and I know the demands on his time are going to increase. Are we going to be ok?

I have had a lump in my throat for hours now and I don’t want to go to bed because when I wake up, I’ll have to get us ready for daycare and work. My little man is 14 months old and I have been there for everything, when he held his head up for the first time, his first smile, first laugh, the first time he rolled, the first time he sat up, the first steps… It breaks my heart that someone else is going to be the first to see these things when he is in care. I know he will be well looked after, but I am his mummy and I want to look after him.

So with the lump in my throat getting bigger and the tears welling in my eyes, I am going to get ready for bed, knowing that when I wake up I will be a full time working mummy and someone else will be caring for my baby while i provide for my family financially. Everything will be ok, because I am a mummy and I will make it work.

Breastfeeding is tough

I am a breast feeding mumma and I am going to declare that is how far my breastfeeding expertise goes before I go on any further. I had slight grazing of the nipples on day 2 of feeding which healed quickly, I have never had any supply issues and I have never bought a tin of formula.

Reading through some mummies groups on social media and internet forums, it is becoming very apparent that there is a severe lack of antenatal support for women when it comes to breastfeeding. Daily I read posts of women who are very anxious about things that are very normal to breastfeeding and sometimes it’s these things that lead new mums to prematurely stop breast feeding and feel an enormous amount of guilt that they have failed their baby.

Before the 20th century women stuck together and babies were raised by the community around them. Mother’s supported their daughters teaching them how to feed, swaddle, look for babies cues for tiredness and hunger etc. Then in the 20th century women started being sent home from the hospital with tins of formula and told to put their baby on the bottle, in turn creating a society where women don’t feel supported and breastfeeding in public is now frowned upon.

I desperately wanted breastfeed because of the family history of food allergies, diabetes, eczema and well, it’s free and I’m a tight arse. So I read every book I could get my hands on, had a lactation consultant come to my house before Master Menzies was born, went to antenatal classes and spoke to my best friend who had successfully breastfed all three of her babies. The midwives in the hospital even asked if I was sure that I hadn’t done this before because I seemed to be a natural. Well I wasn’t, I was educated, breastfeeding does not come naturally to everyone, and that is a myth that needs to be busted.

Once you have your breastfeeding journey sorted out and you are over the hurdles and have driven through the stop signs, it can be the most wonderful bonding experience you can have with your baby. It gives you the opportunity to soak in your baby’s touch and smell, take time to have a cuddle (when they become a wriggler, like Master Menzies, feeding time may be the only cuddles you get during the day) and enjoy your baby. But you need to get over the hurdles and drive through the stop signs, which you will realise are only give way signs, in order to breastfeed for as long as you want to.

Now that Master Menzies is 14 months old (where the hell did that time go), he is biting far too regularly and I am returning to full time work in the next week, I have decided to fully wean him off the boob. We are down to one feed a day, but I just can’t bring myself to stop that feed yet. I am relishing in the new found freedom I have of being able to confidently leave my baby to be cared for by others and not worry they haven’t put expressed milk in the microwave, or that I am going to leak everywhere or that I have to be back by a certain time to feed. But it is sad too, my baby is a toddler now and already becoming independent.

So mummas out there who want help breastfeeding, all you need to do is ask. If your health professional is saying give up breastfeeding and it is not what you want to do, get a second opinion.

I am not saying that formula feeding is the evil of all the Earth. It definitely has its place, my philosophy is that all we need to have is a happy and healthy baby. If formula is the way you need to keep your baby happy and healthy, there is nothing wrong with that.

Here’s a list of awesome resources that you can use to help you on your breastfeeding journey: